being real

It’s hard to believe that after all of my years of blogging (livejournal, tumblr, wordpress, blogger… the list goes on) that I still haven’t really figured it out.
I have all of these grand ideas of what I’d love my space to be, but mostly, I just want it to be a place I’m happy with, that captures my life. These days, what I need it to be is a place where I can write for myself, and be real with myself. The fact of the matter is that this “realness” and authenticity is what keeps people coming back.
I don’t think I’ve been real with myself for years.
Being real means exposing yourself and – especially online – people can take advantage of that. I want to be real and honest but the truth of the matter is that I’m not sure I’m a strong enough person to endure the kind of responses that some people get. I was teased and bullied as a kid (not even a kid really, try grade seven through ten) and I still carry a lot of those insecurities with me – yes, this many years later. That kind of thing has a bad habit of staying with you, and shaping you. My mother told me that week that I hold things close to the vest and I thought: really? I’d always thought I was an open book. It’s funny how different things can look from the outside.
So here I am; saying that I want to open up, be myself, and tell you about my life. I know it’s quiet out there right now, dear readers, but I hope you’ll stay a while and hear what I’ve got to say.