saturday night was not an easy one. it felt as though every half hour on the nose i was shifting from one side to the other, ensuring the pillow between my legs was in the perfect position – keeping my knees apart but not pushing up against my belly. the stitch in my right side only seems to be getting worse, causing even more discomfort while i try to sleep. sleeping with my right arm stretched up over my head seems to limit the pain, but who the hell can sleep comfortably like that?
i try not to even think about how my non-sleeping habits these days may be affecting dom, because honestly i don’t need the added worry.
worry. there’s that word. have i mentioned the dreams? the dreams that range from minor hiccups to a parent’s worst nightmare; all stemming from unconscious worry.
i’ve been reading more books, trying my best to prepare for this big change, but i find myself lost in a sea of too much information: nipple confusion – which one book went on and on about and then another book (which was much more relatable) said it’s a farce; writing birth plans – um, don’t have one, just know that i prefer to deliver the old-fashioned way with an epidural.
dom seems more concerned with the number of diaper changes, which i think is silly. in the grand scheme of the whole having a baby phenomenom, diaper changes are barely even on my radar. for me, i’m most concerned with the following:
- how will i know he is eating enough?
- what if i cannot get him to stop crying?
- what if he needs emergency care and i don’t know how to handle it?
- how will i handle having my first child with all my friends and family back in canada?
- how do i ensure he grows into a man like his father and grandfathers, and not like so many horrible men out there?
- will anything about motherhood come naturally?
- am i as ready as i can be?
these are my worries – not diaper changes. and honestly, i’m thinking that the tossing and turning has just as much to do with my bodily discomfort as it does with the discomfort inside my head.