this is coming from a part deep down inside of me; somewhere around where shame and embarrassment hide out. somewhere where i now hope it stays forever locked away, because i like to think that i have grown and learned from my past mistakes.
here’s what i’m talking about: now that i am three plus weeks into the motherhood game, i am absolutely horrified to have written this post.
i used to be so self-absorbed!
who was i to think that picking up my life and moving to las vegas warranted any sort of attention? and my blog posts about fashion, or the rain pouring down three times a year, or even my lame attempts at outfit posts? why did i think that my friends back home should have been taking time out of their lives to comment on them? why did i think i was so special? and why was i so concerned that they weren’t paying attention?
because i didn’t have children.
good lord, it all changes when you have kids. time – needless to say – is not exactly on your side. your priorities are no longer important; it is all about what the baby needs. he wakes up when he is no longer tired, wants to eat when it suits him, screams bloody murder if he sits in a dirty diaper for longer than ten minutes, wants to be cuddled and played with. it doesn’t matter if you haven’t had a shower yet today, or if your stomach is growling because you haven’t eaten since last nights’ dinner (not counting the bowl of cereal you snuck in after a 3am feeding because you couldn’t get back to sleep your stomach was growling so loudly). oh you used to read? well good luck finding time for that if your baby isn’t a good nurser, or if you’re bottle feeding. and you used to blog? make sure you have your laptop nearby to sneak in a few sentences at a time when he finally decides to close his eyes for five minutes at a time during the day.
oh, how naive i was when i moved away!
i thought my friends didn’t care! i thought they weren’t curious to hear about my new life that i had started out here in las vegas! i thought they didn’t miss me!
i am so ashamed. but i just didn’t understand. i didn’t understand that children change everything – your whole dynamic, your whole life, your whole outlook.
i used to be so self-absorbed, but now… now i understand. these children of ours? they really are everything.