Excerpts from my journal | 01

Posted: July 7, 2013 by Rachel

At times like this I try to remind myself of how tired he is (how tired we both are) and try not to take it personally, but it’s hard when he is not the man I know.

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This morning as I gave DJ his bottle at 6am I couldn’t help but think: I always wanted two children, but this baby stage – these days and nights that just blur and blend together into one big mess of exhaustion and spit up and diapers – is utterly exhausting, and I don’t know if I have it in me to do it again. I sincerely doubt that Dom does either.

++

Somehow it’s already July. The days are hot and sticky and the feeling of isolation inside is nearly deafening. If only there was some relief from the heat and sun so that I could get DJ and myself outside in the fresh air. For now, though, we are limited to quick errands.

++

There is an extreme heaviness behind my eyes this morning. To say that I am tired would just not do it justice. This constant struggle to figure out why suddenly DJ is not drinking as much, or why his napping seems to have all but fallen off the map, is exhausting. It’s always a guessing game, and there’s always that hope that whatever it is he is going through is just a phase that will soon be over. I hope for Dom’s sake more than mine that this is the case.

 

Excerpts from my journal, inspired by Ronnie.

6 Comments

  • Pink Ronnie April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Rach,
    I was so touched reading your snippets. Those first few months with only one child are often the hardest. I remember being completely consumed and overwhelmed when we had Angus. We both were. Those first months were definitely a blur. We were exhausted, and we were anxious about every little thing. Whenever we thought we had a handle on something, something (ie. he) would change! So I hear you, my friend. I really do. And being first-time parents can definitely be hard on the relationship with each other too, seeing as you’re both so exhausted…. All I can say is that in time, sleep will eventually improve. And every ‘phase’ does eventually pass over. Thinking of you, you are definitely not alone.
    Ronnie xo

    Reply
  • rachel del grosso April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Thank you for commenting Corrie! Congrats on your baby girl!

    We had to swaddle DJ right from the beginning because he has crazy flailing arms that wake him up all the time. So weaning off the swaddle has been tough. We actually decided to just go cold turkey without it and really just suffer for a few nights lol.

    And I agree with you and how you feel about your girl. It is very stressful and tiring and I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that it's something you (and me!) might not have the capacity to do again. And I too find myself wishing some weeks away that I really shouldn't be, but I too cannot wait until DJ is a little more independent.

    Thanks for your thoughts, I loved hearing them.

    Reply
  • Corrie Weatherford April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Hi! I recently found your blog, and can relate so, so much right now. I'm a first-time mom to an almost 5 month old bebe girl.
    First, we've swaddled her from the beginning (at night only) and always got great sleep out of her. Then about a month ago I noticed she was only taking 30-minute naps (couldn't get past that first sleep cycle without waking herself up with flailing, curious hands/arms) and by the end of the day was an exhausted, cranky baby. I started swaddling her for naps and instantly got longer naps and happier baby. In a way I feel I'm doing her a disservice because she's not learning how to sleep without being swaddled, but then again we're all much better rested (so torn). I tried weaning from swaddling (one arm out) to prepare us for when she starts rolling onto her tummy, but it was a complete disaster for us. So I understand your sleepless nights during the swaddle wean. I talked to her pediatrician who gave me some advice (looser swaddle, propping a wedge beside her so she can't roll on her face, etc.), but we have a case of PTSD which has prevented us from trying again so far. I'm interested to see, and hope you are successful as it would give me hope! 🙂
    Second, I can relate to rethinking family size. I thought I always wanted 3 kids. As much as I love my daughter and am trying to enjoy this time, I find myself more anxious and stressed out than anything. It's friggin' hard. While I'm sure those feelings are normal, I find it hard to see how those with 3-4 children do it over and over again! I already find myself dreading the teething phase. In fact, I find myself wishing these younger days away, and looking forward to when she's a little more independent (I feel terrible for saying that already).
    All this to say you're not alone, mama. You're doing great, and we'll get through this 🙂

    Reply
  • Pink Ronnie September 6, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Rach,
    I was so touched reading your snippets. Those first few months with only one child are often the hardest. I remember being completely consumed and overwhelmed when we had Angus. We both were. Those first months were definitely a blur. We were exhausted, and we were anxious about every little thing. Whenever we thought we had a handle on something, something (ie. he) would change! So I hear you, my friend. I really do. And being first-time parents can definitely be hard on the relationship with each other too, seeing as you’re both so exhausted…. All I can say is that in time, sleep will eventually improve. And every ‘phase’ does eventually pass over. Thinking of you, you are definitely not alone.
    Ronnie xo

    Reply
  • rachel del grosso September 6, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Thank you for commenting Corrie! Congrats on your baby girl!

    We had to swaddle DJ right from the beginning because he has crazy flailing arms that wake him up all the time. So weaning off the swaddle has been tough. We actually decided to just go cold turkey without it and really just suffer for a few nights lol.

    And I agree with you and how you feel about your girl. It is very stressful and tiring and I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that it's something you (and me!) might not have the capacity to do again. And I too find myself wishing some weeks away that I really shouldn't be, but I too cannot wait until DJ is a little more independent.

    Thanks for your thoughts, I loved hearing them.

    Reply
  • Corrie Weatherford September 6, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Hi! I recently found your blog, and can relate so, so much right now. I'm a first-time mom to an almost 5 month old bebe girl.
    First, we've swaddled her from the beginning (at night only) and always got great sleep out of her. Then about a month ago I noticed she was only taking 30-minute naps (couldn't get past that first sleep cycle without waking herself up with flailing, curious hands/arms) and by the end of the day was an exhausted, cranky baby. I started swaddling her for naps and instantly got longer naps and happier baby. In a way I feel I'm doing her a disservice because she's not learning how to sleep without being swaddled, but then again we're all much better rested (so torn). I tried weaning from swaddling (one arm out) to prepare us for when she starts rolling onto her tummy, but it was a complete disaster for us. So I understand your sleepless nights during the swaddle wean. I talked to her pediatrician who gave me some advice (looser swaddle, propping a wedge beside her so she can't roll on her face, etc.), but we have a case of PTSD which has prevented us from trying again so far. I'm interested to see, and hope you are successful as it would give me hope! 🙂
    Second, I can relate to rethinking family size. I thought I always wanted 3 kids. As much as I love my daughter and am trying to enjoy this time, I find myself more anxious and stressed out than anything. It's friggin' hard. While I'm sure those feelings are normal, I find it hard to see how those with 3-4 children do it over and over again! I already find myself dreading the teething phase. In fact, I find myself wishing these younger days away, and looking forward to when she's a little more independent (I feel terrible for saying that already).
    All this to say you're not alone, mama. You're doing great, and we'll get through this 🙂

    Reply

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