I have, for many many years, had issues with constantly comparing myself to others: what they are wearing in comparison to me, what they do with their children, how they look, and how and where they live. When DJ was born I suddenly had these ideas of how we should be living, and what type of mother and woman I was going to be. I had set the expectations far too high, and what has happened is that I have exhausted myself, emotionally, mentally and physically.
I followed people on instagram with great style, or great careers, with beautiful families and homes, telling myself that I could enjoy them for what they are, but the truth is that I can’t. I can’t look at women who look amazing every single day. I can’t stand to watch even my favorite photographers do what they do best. I can’t simply enjoy a beautiful kitchen without thinking that mine is somehow inferior. I can’t adore a beautiful photograph without wishing that I could take one like it, or that I had whatever silly objects were in the photo, whether it be a coffee mug, a placemat, a carpet or chair. It isn’t about jealousy – it’s not that at all – it’s about my innate compulsion to compare myself to them, to compare my lives to theirs. And it’s not healthy.
So as a start, I unfollowed 65 people on instagram, namely fashion bloggers, photographers and even some mothers. I deleted 30 blogs from my reading list. I cleared out blog posts from my drafts folder that talked about fashion, or home decor, or other bloggers and photographers. I have put many of these peoples lives up on a pedestal for so long, that maybe not subjecting myself to the images and stories will help me to gain some perspective. I’m aware that there are some more underlying issues at hand here, but this is a start.
I’m ready to take a big step back and re-evalutate, because I have not been living in the moment. I have been living up in my rats nest of a head for too long, and missing out on everything in front of me.
So, I’m taking a break, reeling in my online presence a little, and just being for a while.
See you soon.