the weight of motherhood

Posted: January 11, 2014 by Rachel

Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately.

I think that becoming a mother forces you to become someone else: the 24/7 entertainer, diaper changer, bottle feeder and washer, clothes folder, book reader, messy mouth cleaner, and boo-boo kisser. If you’re not working – like me, weekends are really no different from weekdays and they all begin to blend into each other. Before you know it, months have gone by and you just can’t figure out what it was that you did all that time.

At the end of December as I was writing out my intentions for the new year, I stopped short as this particular goal ran through my mind.

Figure out how to find more of a balance between “mom” and “Rachel.”

I’m not the first mother to have this problem, nor will I be the last, but it has been weighing on me heavily the past few months. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, but I miss working. I miss getting up and going into an office and speaking with other adults. I miss the challenge of deadlines. I miss the intellectual stimulation. I miss a routine that doesn’t involve feedings, naps and bath time, despite how much I love those moments with my son.

It’s all about finding a balance. And right now, there isn’t really one. This is why I’m feeling out of sorts. This is why I need to take some time and think about what I want to do over the next six months. This is why I need to find some sort of clarity and direction.

Because right now, I just can’t figure out what it was that I did all that time.