the weight of motherhood

Posted: January 11, 2014 by Rachel

Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately.

I think that becoming a mother forces you to become someone else: the 24/7 entertainer, diaper changer, bottle feeder and washer, clothes folder, book reader, messy mouth cleaner, and boo-boo kisser. If you’re not working – like me, weekends are really no different from weekdays and they all begin to blend into each other. Before you know it, months have gone by and you just can’t figure out what it was that you did all that time.

At the end of December as I was writing out my intentions for the new year, I stopped short as this particular goal ran through my mind.

Figure out how to find more of a balance between “mom” and “Rachel.”

I’m not the first mother to have this problem, nor will I be the last, but it has been weighing on me heavily the past few months. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son more than anything, but I miss working. I miss getting up and going into an office and speaking with other adults. I miss the challenge of deadlines. I miss the intellectual stimulation. I miss a routine that doesn’t involve feedings, naps and bath time, despite how much I love those moments with my son.

It’s all about finding a balance. And right now, there isn’t really one. This is why I’m feeling out of sorts. This is why I need to take some time and think about what I want to do over the next six months. This is why I need to find some sort of clarity and direction.

Because right now, I just can’t figure out what it was that I did all that time.

10 Comments

  • rachel April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    I guess that's me too – "not the woman whose life revolves around her children" – but isn't there a part of you that thinks – eek! did i just admit that out loud! it makes me feel like i'm a bad mother for saying that, but I know that's not the truth.

    thanks for sharing your thoughts, lovely!

    Reply
  • rachel April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    I definitely think a lot about what I have learned, and while I'm absolutely no expert on the topic, I will put a post together about it as I go 🙂

    Reply
  • Emily April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    This was beautifully written. I don't have children yet but this is something I think about often, working/not working/balancing it all once I do have kids. How to maintain my identity as myself but grow that identity to include being a mother. Do share if you learn anything!!

    Reply
  • Emily April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    This was beautifully written. I don't have children yet but this is something I think about often, working/not working/balancing it all once I do have kids. How to maintain my identity as myself but grow that identity to include being a mother. Do share if you learn anything!!

    Reply
  • Kelsey McEvoy April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Girl, I am totally with you. My OLW this year is BALANCE for exactly this reason. My two kids that live with me are a little older than DJ (almost 2 and 3.5) but I still go through this. I love my kids, there's no doubt about it, but I am NOT the woman whose live literally revolves around her children; I'm not cut out for that 24/7 around-the-clock-always-with-my-kids type of parenting. It is too suffocating for me, and I don't think that it's always best for the kids, either. I know that I need social interaction with adults; that I need intellectual stimulation other than Dora the Explorer on repeat; that sometimes I just need to not be with/around my kids.

    As the seasons of your life change and the stages of DJ's childhood progress, you'll find that this "problem" ebbs and flows, that it comes and goes. Finding (or maybe creating) and then maintaing that "parent/partner/person" balance is one of my primary goals this year, because if I don't establish a balance between being a parent, a partner in my relationship, and my own person, I'm going to go crazy. You can do it, too! It'll take some work, but it's totally doable. I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure. I just haven't figured it out yet. Lol.

    Reply
  • Kelsey McEvoy April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Girl, I am totally with you. My OLW this year is BALANCE for exactly this reason. My two kids that live with me are a little older than DJ (almost 2 and 3.5) but I still go through this. I love my kids, there's no doubt about it, but I am NOT the woman whose live literally revolves around her children; I'm not cut out for that 24/7 around-the-clock-always-with-my-kids type of parenting. It is too suffocating for me, and I don't think that it's always best for the kids, either. I know that I need social interaction with adults; that I need intellectual stimulation other than Dora the Explorer on repeat; that sometimes I just need to not be with/around my kids.

    As the seasons of your life change and the stages of DJ's childhood progress, you'll find that this "problem" ebbs and flows, that it comes and goes. Finding (or maybe creating) and then maintaing that "parent/partner/person" balance is one of my primary goals this year, because if I don't establish a balance between being a parent, a partner in my relationship, and my own person, I'm going to go crazy. You can do it, too! It'll take some work, but it's totally doable. I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure. I just haven't figured it out yet. Lol.

    Reply
  • rachel April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    I feel the same way often – that i am tired of entertaining 24/7. I don't think it makes you a bad mother at all, I think it makes us human.

    Reply
  • rachel April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    I feel the same way often – that i am tired of entertaining 24/7. I don't think it makes you a bad mother at all, I think it makes us human.

    Reply
  • ellie kathryn April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    thank you for being so transparent in your sharing <3 I needed this post this morning

    Reply
  • ellie kathryn April 23, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    thank you for being so transparent in your sharing <3 I needed this post this morning

    Reply

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