It is 12:15 on a cool, Saturday afternoon and my son has just gone down for his nap. With a steaming, black cup of coffee beside me, I finally have a moment to sit and get some of these thoughts out of my head.
I feel as though I have reached an all-new level of exhaustion. This one is different from the debilitating exhaustion you feel with a newborn, and beyond that of the average stay at home mom. I’m exhausted with myself; with my emotions and the million excruciating thoughts that domineer my mind. I’m exhausted by the status quo, and how long I’ve been merely existing instead of truly living my life.
The worst side effect of this new level of exhaustion is that I feel as though I’m angry, all the time. I stepped on a duplo block and nearly twisted my ankle? Angry. My son won’t stop throwing his apples on the floor? Angry. My husband talks to his cousin on the phone about cars for twenty minutes while I continue struggling to entertain our toddler that hasn’t stopped fussing the whole day I’ve been home alone with him? Very angry.
All roads these days lead straight to anger. And that shit’s not healthy, people. I know that as well as the next person.
I honestly never thought I’d be a stay at home mom at all, let alone for so long. I believe there are women who are truly made for this role, and others who are not, like me.
I miss busy-ness. I do. I like having a schedule, deadlines, someone praising me when I complete a task, someone to report to, a pay check.
I don’t know what 2015 will bring, but I do know that I am going to seek out more of the real kind of busy-ness, the good kind. The kind that fills your heart to the brim, that sends you to bed happy. I don’t have enough of this in my life. I need more of this in my life.
Maybe, just maybe, it will help me to stop being so angry. Because if I look around me, there is a hell of a lot to be thankful for.