DJ – You are my everything, my sweet, darling, loveable boy. I’ll swallow these moments whole.
Twenty-fifteen. It’s hard to believe where we are. I have someone else’s words echoing in my head, having said it better than I ever could: “I felt like last year I never truly enjoyed the year… I never felt in it. Not being into each task and found myself always floating way to something else. STAY and remember you have time to do it all.”
Yes. Just, yes.
I’m going to write that today is a good day, because it is. It has been. And I will appreciate that no matter what the rest of the day brings.
This morning before I got out of bed, I was catching up on some blog reading on my phone, and I read something particularly moving: “The only thing you need to do to be happy is: suspend judgment on yourself.”
I was scribbling a note in my Lena Dunham book when I saw DJ approaching me. When he sees a pen of any kind it’s as though he has tunnel vision, so I knew he was coming right for it. Without giving it much thought, I pushed the red Pentel pen trough my ponytail before he could notice.
It wasn’t until three hours later, after a quick trip to Mc Donalds to procure an iced coffee the size of my head and some serious one-on-one playtime that I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the bedroom. I still had the pen in my hair.
Seeing myself like that: wild, curly hair, donned in a hoodie and jeans with the tell tale pen tucked into my hair, I was transported back to my College days. It was me, years eighteen through twenty-two, back when I thought life was easy and that everything would work out as long as I 1) found a good job post graduation, 2) moved out of my parents house, and 3) never stopped writing.
In a little over two months from now I’ll be getting my breast implants, and despite my good intentions, I’m terrified of what people are going to think of me. I’m always too concerned with what people will think of me…
Left side, design F.
3. 30 Life things I Try and Remember – I only recently discovered Emma Gannon, and my goodness, I didn’t know what I was missing. From “A good song in the morning can change your day” to “Don’t listen to everything your idol has to say” I found myself nodding along to everything on her list.
4. Why we all need a platonic soulmate – “It’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy of finding The One, and it’s even easier to get caught up in the reality of our culture’s obsession with coupling up. But it’s important to remember that it is completely okay to focus on your friends as the great loves of your life if that’s what makes you happy.” Need I really say more?
5. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed – If I owned the copy that I read instead of borrowing it from the library it would have been covered in underlines and highlighter marks. I was so blown away by her advice, but also by how she so thoroughly injected stories of her past into her responses.
6. Other women aren’t the competition – “Her success is not your failure, her destination isn’t your own,” Megs writes (and women around the world break into applause). I was so moved by this post, had so many moments where I nodded along and thought: yes, she is right.
7. The only thing you need to be happy is this – Must. keep. this. in. mind (and save myself a loooottttttt of trouble)
8. Practical advice when kids have too much stuff – Stop buying it. Lead by example. Say “just one.” All so great, all so true. A good read for all the parents out there.
9. 20 Little things I’ve learned life is too short for – “Worrying about those five pounds. Nobody but you knows they exist.” AMEN. Just… AMEN.
As a follow up to showing you volume one of my 2014 Project Life album, here’s a look at volume two. I love watching this and looking back at all the different page designs, embellishments and papers I used. As you can tell, I really enjoy experimenting.
things currently on the table.
laptop in need of charging
a discarded banana peel
things that haunt me.
disposing of my college journals.
all the stories I haven’t written.
the self-depricating voices in the back of my head.
things I want to do but won’t.
learn to surf.
go jeans shopping.
stop being envious of others.
the type of woman I want to be.
what I’m working on.
writing. always writing.
things I’ve loved lately.
tiny beautiful things
ending every day reading
a new year
And so, as Hannah and Marnie hugged, I cried. I cried for all that I am missing – all the coffee dates and parties and milestones – and what my friends and family are in turn missing in regards to my life. Distance is isolating, lonely and deafening, and I often wonder if and when it will ever get any easier. Yet as the episode ended with Hannah in the back seat of her parents car on the way to the airport, I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my shirt and took a deep breath.
I am stronger than Hannah Horvath, this I know.
I’ll be okay.
Since before my son DJ was born in March 2013, I have been writing to him in the form of a book made up mostly of words of guidance that I hope he will hold dear to him as he grows older.