Hey mamas, I see you over there, hiding in your closet to shed your tears in peace. I’ve been there. Many times, in fact. It’s so damn hard, isn’t it? This parenting thing? You’ve never felt so empowered and so defeated at the same time.
You finish the last of the three loads of built-up laundry only to find yourself back in the laundry room the very next day, and that corner of the living room that you cleaned up especially for you, so that you could have one single space in your house that you can sit in and not feel like a failure, is filled with toys once again.
I’ve been the mama crying silently in the shower as I rush to shave my legs that haven’t been touched in over a week. I’ve been the frazzled mama who shows up at the park with the toddler who would rather grab fists full of dirt than play.
The issue I’ve been struggling with, and maybe you have as well, is the belief that all of my problems will be solved if only I can find some kind of balance. But the truth is that I will never find balance. Working more will mean less time with son, and more time with my son means less money coming in. I will feel guilt no matter which way the wind blows. The grass is greener on both sides, mama.
I will never find balance, but I will find ways of adapting.
In March 2013 I came home with a 9lb 8oz newborn baby… and adapted. We were sleep deprived and mentally drained and we adapted. We suffered through thirteen months before my son slept through the night, and we adapted. I went back to work in August 2014, briefly, sending my son to daycare, and we adapted. I left the job after two months, and we adapted.
What I’m trying to say to you, mama, as you struggle to get some kind of breakfast prepared for yourself while your child screams at your feet, is to let go of the idea of balance. It doesn’t exist. But you can adapt, and you will. You’ll find your place. I’m still looking for mine, and that’s okay.
I’m here to tell you it will all be okay.