I was yelling. Dom was yelling. And DJ kept on crying, like he had been all day.
Some days I can breathe deeply, consciously, and calm myself down. Some days I can remind myself that he’s only two and that we’re all still learning to communicate with each other.
Today was not one of those days.
We were tired, the trio of us: from battling colds, ear infections, poor sleep and skipped naps. The 107 degree heat perhaps affecting us more than we realize. So: there was yelling.
At four-thirty, Dom called in reinforcements: his aunt, to relieve us for two hours so that we could step out and get our bearings on the day and our attitudes.
We went to the movies. Sat in the back row. Enjoyed some noise other than that going on at home.
And when we got home I lunged upstairs, desperate to catch DJ before he was asleep, overjoyed to find him waiting up in our bed. As Dom’s aunt slipped out, I pulled DJ close and whispered to him how much I love him.
I turned off all the lights, drew the curtains shut and lay down beside him, sighing deep from within my bones as he tucked his little body against mine, as close as he could get. His eyes were growing heavier by the second, fluttering shut and opening again only briefly to make certain I was still there, his mouth in a faint ‘o’ shape, pursed. With a deep sigh, he tucked his hand under his cheek, took one last look at me, and closed his eyes for the night.
I lay there in the near dark, staring at his perfect little face, and cried.
With every tear I released the guilt of the day, the weight of expectations, regret, and exhaustion.
No mama is perfect, and we’re all just trying to do the best we can, making what we can out of each messy day.