excerpts from my journal | 08 (quarantine edition)

Posted: March 30, 2020 by Rachel

Only four days in to our state-wide quarantine and I feel as though I’m walking in circles. What a strange time we live in.

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I didn’t watch the news yesterday. I didn’t talk about the virus, really. And it was better. I need to limit what I read and listen. to. It’s the only way I’ll stay sane through al this. And walks… more outdoor walks.

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I finished a book today and had that feeling I only get after a truly incredible book–the desire to be able to wipe your memory clean just so that you can read it all over again for the first time. The book was Writers & Lovers.

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I think there has to be something to look forward to every day, whether it’s a martini after dinner or a board game as a family, or a walk by myself. Something to propel me through the day.

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I am fine with a quiet, slow life. I don’t need noise and excitement and crowds. These are not the things that fill my tank. I do not need to be busy, nor is that what I want.

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DJ is seven today. He ran into the bedroom at 6:10 this morning, “What did you do to my doorway?!” I had hung streamers from the ceiling to the floor so he’d have to walk through them, zigzagged police tape across the doorway. “I love it!” he shrieked.

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For now: Enjoy the little moments, no matter how small. And please: get outside and move your body, Rachel.

the whole whole truth

Posted: March 1, 2020

It’s been two weeks since I last opened my laptop. It sat on the floor of my bedroom, next to my bedside table, untouched. The battery had gone dead when I opened it this morning. I could say I haven’t felt much like writing lately, but that would be a half-truth. The whole truth is that I actively made the decision to stop writing.  The whole whole truth is that somewhere along the line I tried to turn a hobby into something it wasn’t meant to be. I love to read and knit, and scrapbook; but I’m not about to…

Ten Years of Knowing You

Posted: January 28, 2020

On the first day of 2010 I wrote the following in my diary: It’s a safe bet to say that the large majority of 2009 was spent in misery, and I just can’t do that to myself again. I refuse to waste another year being unhappy. I want to explore more. Be more. But most of all, I want a partner in crime. Someone who will go along on the ride with me. I had seen two of my closest friends marry in the last two years as I stumbled dazed and confused through some semblance of a dating life….

a (short) conversation about marriage

Posted: January 24, 2020

When she asked if I wanted to talk I’m not sure she expected a conversation about marriage. We’d been grappling with some complex feelings brought on by the confession of a mutual acquaintance and I sensed her real reason for reaching out might be that she herself wanted to talk. I wasn’t ready to talk about the confession, so I talked about marriage. “It’s kind of sad,” I said,  “but I’ve been thinking a lot about how, among all the other things my mom is going to miss, she won’t see how happy I am with Dom. How well I…

January 17

Posted: January 17, 2020

Life seems to moving at lightning speed these days. I keep telling myself to be better at writing it all down before I forget. Looking back, last year comes to me in one big blur of long work hours, grieving and maneuvering my way through the minefield that is parenting my six-year-old son (Seriously, it’s supposed to get easier at some point, isn’t it?). I don’t want 2020 to befall the same fate. So, here I am, attempting to redeem myself.  We’re a little over halfway through January. How I feel about that is neither here nor there, I’m just…

Rachel Del 2020 TBR List

My 2020 TBR list

Posted: January 2, 2020

Beyond tracking the release date of a few books I’ve been obsessing over, I’ve never been one to give much forethought to the books I read each year. If an interesting books comes across my radar, I take an interest, but I’ve never really planned what I read. As the end of 2019 quickly approached, I saw more and more “best of” book lists, and after seeing Bud Smith’s, I had the thought that perhaps I should change things up a bit this year, because—hey! A lot happened in 2019 and I’m all about doing things differently in 2020. Making…

It’s not.

Posted: November 26, 2019

I had my father, the new sender of daily selfies, on the phone yesterday. “How’s your writing going?” he asked. He asks often now. It still makes me smile. The answer to his question has the opposite effect. “It’s not.” “You haven’t been able to shake anything loose yet, huh?” I shake my head but he’s on the phone and he can’t see me. The kettle boils, I pour water over the tea bag in my favorite red mug. “Not yet,” I say eventually. Later, I write in my journal about how guilty I feel that I’m not writing. I…

easing in

Posted: October 14, 2019

I am writing these words seated in the corner of a new-to-me coffee shop on a weekday evening. I had this planned, this writing break, this get out of the house break. Whatever the name; I needed it. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends this year (these past few months especially) and needed to set a date and time to get out of the house and be alone. I’d driven past this cafe a few times and always seemed to make the point of telling my husband I’d have to try it out sometime. Much to my disappointment…

the status of things, part two

Posted: October 10, 2019

Last week, my father started reading my blog. A friend of his, after asking after me one day, had looked me up and come across my website. “How long have you had your blog?” my father asked me one night over the phone. It had come out of the blue and caught me off guard. I told him I’ve had a website, in one form or another, since the eighth grade. He didn’t say much else at the time, and I was too nervous to push for more. The next time we spoke on the phone, he told me he’d…

the status of things, part one

Posted: October 5, 2019

This morning I waited until the boys left, until I heard the car start up and pull away, and then I lit my favorite candle and made a second cup of coffee. My laptop sat open and ready on the kitchen table, the first time I’d even looked at it in weeks. The house was blissfully silent. I’d prepared myself for this, written in my journal just yesterday that this morning would afford me the perfect block of free time to finally sit down and work my way through everything the only way I really know how: by writing it…