excerpts from my journal | 08 (quarantine edition)

Posted: March 30, 2020 by Rachel

Only four days in to our state-wide quarantine and I feel as though I’m walking in circles. What a strange time we live in.


I didn’t watch the news yesterday. I didn’t talk about the virus, really. And it was better. I need to limit what I read and listen. to. It’s the only way I’ll stay sane through al this. And walks… more outdoor walks.


I finished a book today and had that feeling I only get after a truly incredible book–the desire to be able to wipe your memory clean just so that you can read it all over again for the first time. The book was Writers & Lovers.


I think there has to be something to look forward to every day, whether it’s a martini after dinner or a board game as a family, or a walk by myself. Something to propel me through the day.


I am fine with a quiet, slow life. I don’t need noise and excitement and crowds. These are not the things that fill my tank. I do not need to be busy, nor is that what I want.


DJ is seven today. He ran into the bedroom at 6:10 this morning, “What did you do to my doorway?!” I had hung streamers from the ceiling to the floor so he’d have to walk through them, zigzagged police tape across the doorway. “I love it!” he shrieked.


For now: Enjoy the little moments, no matter how small. And please: get outside and move your body, Rachel.

Excerpts from my Journal | 07

Posted: March 10, 2017

Last month Dom and I spent a night in the mountains. I didn’t notice until two days later that he’d brought home one of the small lotion containers from the lodge. I’d gone looking for lotion, my hands were dry. So I used some of it. And that scent… that deep, spicy scent… I just can’t figure out what it’s reminding me of. Was it cologne that a past boyfriend wore? A favorite candle long burned out? Every evening before bed, now, I put on some of it. I’m desperate that one of these times it will come to me….

Excerpts from my Journal | 06

Posted: December 23, 2016

I spend a lot of time alone in my head, which I’m starting to think might not be all that good of an idea for someone like me. But, my god! this time of the year! I always feel as though I just lose the tiniest bit of footing on life, my thinking, my future. ++ This will be my sixth Christmas in Las Vegas. From the very beginning there has been a sort of quiet understanding that I’ll feel the first pangs of homesickness around the 20th, as Christmas looks closer. But it isn’t until Christmas Eve — when…

Excerpts from my Journal | 05

Posted: March 12, 2015

These pieces are anywhere from 1 month to 2 years old, but upon re-discovering them + finding strength in them, I knew that I wanted to share them. Sunday. It was gloriously beautiful out. The kind of day where everyone is suddenly outside. your neighbors are cleaning their cars, trimming their hedges and stepping out for a long walk. The air was buzzing with excitement. Children were running the streets, filling them with laughter. The sun shining on our faces. It was glorious. I wore a dress, the first one of the season. Pink and black striped, a gift from…

Excerpts from my journal | 04

Posted: January 28, 2015

 Flickr / Alagich Katya Twenty-fifteen. It’s hard to believe where we are. I have someone else’s words echoing in my head, having said it better than I ever could: “I felt like last year I never truly enjoyed the year… I never felt in it. Not being into each task and found myself always floating way to something else. STAY and remember you have time to do it all.” Yes. Just, yes. ++ I’m going to write that today is a good day, because it is. It has been. And I will appreciate that no matter what the rest of the…

Excerpts from my Journal | 03

Posted: November 26, 2014

  I didn’t tell him that the reason I went out last night with him was because I knew it was a situation I would normally have avoided: a room full of people I don’t know, making small talk abound; a night that didn’t even begin until 9:30pm, and in this case didn’t end until 1:30am when I collapsed into bed. I didn’t tell him that I went last night because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, do it well, and make it out alive. ++ I can’t recall if it was last night or…

Excerpts from my journal | 02

Posted: May 21, 2014

engagement photo by tamara kate, 2010   i just can’t shake the feeling that i’m meant to live somewhere with open, green fields and dark, chipped wood under my feet. open cupboards and mismatched clay coffee cups stacked on the counter next to a day old pot of coffee. a place where wooded trails are just around the corner and you know all of your neighbors by name. a house with wooden window panes and sheer white curtains, and a yard full of tall grass for dj to roam in. the sparkle – the newness – of las vegas is beginning…

Excerpts from my journal | 01

Posted: July 7, 2013

At times like this I try to remind myself of how tired he is (how tired we both are) and try not to take it personally, but it’s hard when he is not the man I know. ++ This morning as I gave DJ his bottle at 6am I couldn’t help but think: I always wanted two children, but this baby stage – these days and nights that just blur and blend together into one big mess of exhaustion and spit up and diapers – is utterly exhausting, and I don’t know if I have it in me to do…